Bill Maher Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old Bill Maher quotes, Bill Maher sayings, and Bill Maher proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit. Bill Maher
Men are only as loyal as their options. Bill Maher
Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance. Bill Maher
The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe. Bill Maher
You don't need a weapon to protect yourself. Bill Maher
I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight. Bill Maher
False hope really makes you cynical. Bill Maher
The public is gullible. ... If [many satirists are] making the same joke, that's the danger. Then there's a solidifying effect and it becomes a truth. Bill Maher
Fascism is when corporations become the government. Bill Maher
Like it or not, we're still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation. Bill Maher
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them. Bill Maher
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need. Bill Maher
Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do. Bill Maher
I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of? Bill Maher
There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. Bill Maher
When you tolerate intolerance, you're not really being a liberal. Bill Maher
North Carolina right now is going apeshit in a way no state ever has. Take every crazy, angry idea your drunk, right-wing uncle mumbles at Thanksgiving, turn it into a law, and that’s North Carolina today. Bill Maher
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got? Bill Maher
Community is gathering around a fire and listening to someone tell a story. Bill Maher
You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband! Bill Maher
If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake, it's a glass of ice cream. Bill Maher
New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my email, and the next thing I know it’s three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody’s pierced my dick. Bill Maher
You know… There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband! Bill Maher
They have done study after study on this issue of marijuana—every administration since, like, FDR. You know what they found out? It makes you want to eat SpaghettiOs right out of the saucepan. That's the worst thing. Bill Maher
New rule: someone has to explain to me why it's socially acceptable to drink vodka in the morning as long as you pour tomato juice and Worchestershire sauce in it. Bill Maher
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash. Bill Maher
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids. Bill Maher
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit." Bill Maher