David Letterman Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old David Letterman quotes, David Letterman sayings, and David Letterman proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever. David Letterman
When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense. David Letterman
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. David Letterman
Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever. David Letterman
When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat! David Letterman
Fathers Day, when you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools. David Letterman
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. David Letterman
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. David Letterman
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. David Letterman
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. David Letterman
The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins. David Letterman
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA. David Letterman
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA. David Letterman
Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care. David Letterman
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs. David Letterman
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins. David Letterman
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. David Letterman
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not True. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman
Celebrities love the season of goodwill to all men. No need to put up Christmas lights—they just crank up the power on the electric fence until it's white hot. David Letterman
At the Christmas office party, you're supposed to sit naked on the copier machine, not the shredder. David Letterman
There just isn't enough televised chess. David Letterman