Dennis Miller Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old Dennis Miller quotes, Dennis Miller sayings, and Dennis Miller proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.'

Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight. Dennis Miller
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. Dennis Miller
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. Dennis Miller
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. Dennis Miller
I rant, therefore I am. Dennis Miller
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse. Dennis Miller
Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble. Dennis Miller
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. Dennis Miller
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. Dennis Miller
A selfie is paparazzi for people who aren't vibrant enough to attract paparazzi. Dennis Miller
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? Dennis Miller
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R. Dennis Miller
Remember, when you connect with another computer, you're connecting to every computer that computer has connected to. Dennis Miller
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. Dennis Miller
You can put up a front in the real world, but your mom sees through that faster than Superman sees through Lois Lane's pantsuit. Dennis Miller