Jack Handey Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old Jack Handey quotes, Jack Handey sayings, and Jack Handey proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Jack Handey
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic. Jack Handey
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Jack Handey
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Jack Handey
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life. Jack Handey
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. Jack Handey
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handey
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating. Jack Handey
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. Jack Handey
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. Jack Handey
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handey
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is Probably because of something you did. Jack Handey
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now. Jack Handey
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everbody out. Jack Handey
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because i'll bet there are more than a few chihuahuas with ideas of their own. Jack Handey
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Jack Handey
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame! Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. Jack Handey