Funny Celebrity Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny celebrity quotes, funny celebrity sayings, and funny celebrity proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. Helen Hayes
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. Carl Sandburg
If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. Conan O'Brien
Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. Will Smith
If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty. Marilyn Monroe
To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit. Enoch Powell
I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon. Ellen DeGeneres
Money never made a man happy yet, nor will it. The more a man has, the more he wants. Instead of filling a vacuum, it makes one. Benjamin Franklin
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. Oscar Wilde
Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still. Lou Erickso
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. Lucille Ball
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. Woody Allen
God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him. Tara Reid
Don't waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window. Or break down a door. Brooke Shields
In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you. Will Ferrell
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. Bill Cosby
As long as you know men are like children, you know everything! Coco Chanel
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. Will Ferrell
I like women, I don't understand them, but I like them. Sean Connery
You are the CEO of your life. Some people need to be hired and some need to be fired. Robert Downey Jr.
Keep seeing the glass half-full and it will dawn upon you that it's probably your turn to buy. Bill Murray
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin
Never follow someone else's path; unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, then by all means, you should follow that. Ellen DeGeneres
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. Thomas A. Edison
Too much money ain't enough money. Lil Wayne
You don't have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you have to be stupid not to. Louis C.K.
The secret to a happy marriage? Do whatever your wife tells you. ‘Yes, dear.' And breathe. Denzel Washingto
The crime of loving is forgetting. Maurice Chevalier
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. Ellen DeGeneres
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies. Adrienne Gusoff
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. Quentin Crisp
I wish I could trade my heart for another liver, so I could drink more and care less. Tina Fey
It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail. Gore Vidal
You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow. Jack Black
Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended. Zsa Zsa Gabor
The most beautiful makeup for a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. Yves St. Laurent.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. Cher
A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. B.L. Taylor
If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. Ann Landers
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
Did you visit the Parthenon during your trip to Greece?” Shaquille O’Neal: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs we went to. Shaquille O’Neal
I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa. Britney Spears
Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let’s get that straight. OK? We don’t do crack. We don’t do that. Crack is whack. Whitney Houston
I still love her. But she’s retarded, too. Guy Ritchie
I thought Europe was a country. Kellie Pickler
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. Jerry Seinfeld
I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four. Sheila Lee
I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom. Noelle Chatham
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller
Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired. Sandra Bullock
Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets. John Kinnear
Instant gratification takes too long. Carrie Fisher
When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. Nora Ephron
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck
WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis. Crystal Lowery
If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them. Reese Witherspoon
User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot. Great Funny Quotes: Sweeten Your Life with Laughter
Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me! Charlie Brown
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight. Adam Joshua Smargon
My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf. Emilia Clarke
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won’t get much sleep. Woody Allen
“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist. Tara Reid
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. Billy Connolly
I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home. Kanye West
I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster. Shane Richie
It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people. Axl Rose
Bigamy is having one husband or wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day. Rhea Butcher
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Jack Handey
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R. Dennis Miller