Funny Divorce Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny divorce quotes, funny divorce sayings, and funny divorce proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest. Helen Rowland
The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. Johnny Carson
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers. Woody Allen
To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy Mansion for a while. James Caan
Whoever said Marriage is a 50-50 proposition laid the foundation for more divorce fees than any other short sentence in our language. Austin Elliot
Today, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly. Dave Barry
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? Rita Rudner
I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she remarry immediately. Then there will be at least one man to regret my death. Heinrich Heine
There are four stages in a marriage. First there's the affair, then the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce. Norman Mailer
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never. Jack Benny
You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they're worth it. Willie Nelson
A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you. Jimmy Fallon
Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers. Gerald F. Lieberman
I'd marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead in a year. Bette Davis
A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you. Margaret Atwood
The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce. John Kenneth Galbraith
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. Zsa Zsa Gabor
A divorce lawyer is a chameleon with a law book. Marvin Mitchelson
Its easier to get a divorce than pass the driving test. Now its just a basic form-filling exercise. Paul Coleridge
Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass. Mary Kay Blakely
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. Woody Allen
I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her. Woody Allen
You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat. Mike Tyson
Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left. Jean Kerr
In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage. Robert Anderson
My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years. Lee Trevino
She cried and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. Tommy Manville
When I divorced I went through the various stages of grieving: anger, denial, and dancing around with my settlement check. Maura Kennedy
The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation. Lord Chesterfield
Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified. J. B. Handelsman
A New York divorce is in itself a diploma of virtue. Edith Wharton
I got divorced recently. It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he's Klingon. Carol Leifer
I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset I'm not a widow. Roseanne Barr
Ah, yes, divorce from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams
I look a divorce this way: it's better to have loved and lost, then to live with that bitch for the rest of my life. Steve McGrew
Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler. Dave Mordal
Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out. Rich Vos
My husband and I have never considered divorce. Murder sometimes, but never divorce. Joyce Brothers
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money. Wendy Liebman
Divorces are made in heaven. Oscar Wilde
A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table. Jean Kerr
Divorce, a bugle blast that separates the combatants and makes them fight at long range. Ambrose Bierce
In our family, we don't divorce our men, we bury them. Ruth Gordon
You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings, even the truth. Dave Barry
In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers. Garry Trudeau
A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short. Mickey Rooney
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. Don Quinn
American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced. Elinor Glyn