Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous
old funny divorce quotes, funny divorce sayings, and funny divorce proverbs, collected over the years from a variety
of sources.
Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.Helen Rowland
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The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.Johnny Carson
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The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.Woody Allen
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To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy Mansion for a while.James Caan
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Whoever said Marriage is a 50-50 proposition laid the foundation for more divorce fees than any other short sentence in our language.Austin Elliot
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Today, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly.Dave Barry
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Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?Rita Rudner
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I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she remarry immediately. Then there will be at least one man to regret my death.Heinrich Heine
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There are four stages in a marriage. First there's the affair, then the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.Norman Mailer
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My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.Jack Benny
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You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they're worth it.Willie Nelson
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A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you.Jimmy Fallon
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Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers.Gerald F. Lieberman
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I'd marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead in a year.Bette Davis
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A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you.Margaret Atwood
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The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.John Kenneth Galbraith
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Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.Zsa Zsa Gabor
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A divorce lawyer is a chameleon with a law book.Marvin Mitchelson
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Its easier to get a divorce than pass the driving test. Now its just a basic form-filling exercise.Paul Coleridge
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Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass.Mary Kay Blakely
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For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.Woody Allen
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I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.Woody Allen
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You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.Mike Tyson
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Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.Jean Kerr
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In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage.Robert Anderson
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My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.Lee Trevino
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She cried and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.Tommy Manville
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When I divorced I went through the various stages of grieving: anger, denial, and dancing around with my settlement check.Maura Kennedy
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The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.Lord Chesterfield
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Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified.J. B. Handelsman
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A New York divorce is in itself a diploma of virtue.Edith Wharton
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I got divorced recently. It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he's Klingon.Carol Leifer
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I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset I'm not a widow.Roseanne Barr
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Ah, yes, divorce from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.Robin Williams
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I look a divorce this way: it's better to have loved and lost, then to live with that bitch for the rest of my life.Steve McGrew
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Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.Dave Mordal
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Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.Rich Vos
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My husband and I have never considered divorce. Murder sometimes, but never divorce.Joyce Brothers
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.Zsa Zsa Gabor
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My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.Wendy Liebman
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Divorces are made in heaven.Oscar Wilde
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A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.Jean Kerr
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Divorce, a bugle blast that separates the combatants and makes them fight at long range.Ambrose Bierce
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In our family, we don't divorce our men, we bury them.Ruth Gordon
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You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings, even the truth.Dave Barry
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In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers.Garry Trudeau
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A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short.Mickey Rooney
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A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.Don Quinn
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American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced.Elinor Glyn