Funny Father's Day Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny father's day quotes, funny father's day sayings, and funny father's day proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, Daddy, will you take me to the zoo? He answered, If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you. Jerry Lewis
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother. Rita Rudner
My daughter got me a World's Best Dad mug. So we know she's sarcastic. Bob Odenkirk
Fathers Day, when you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools. David Letterman
The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf. Bertrand Russell
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield
To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. Ernest Hemingway
He has always provided me a safe place to land and a hard place from which to launch. Chelsea Clinton
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. Spike Milligan
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. Bill Cosby
Just once on Father's Day I wish my kids would give me a #1 Dad mug instead of one with my actual ranking. Andy Borowitz
When you're young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he's just a regular guy who wears a cape. Dave Attell
I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war. George W. Bush
You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. Jerry Seinfeld
There should be a children's song: If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep. Jim Gaffigan
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx
For Father's Day we got my dad a t-shirt that says do not resuscitate. He wears it whenever mom takes him to the ballet. Greg Tamblyn
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handey
I just sit there and make up songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish. I'm very good at gibberish now. Elton John
I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable I'd be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask. Will Arnett
Father's Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it's the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business. Jimmy Fallon
I have mixed emotions when I receive my Fathers Day gifts. I'm glad my children remember me. I'm disappointed they think I dress like that. Mike Dugan
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons