Funny Graduation Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny graduation quotes, funny graduation sayings, and funny graduation proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car. But if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. Theodore Roosevelt
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success. Robert Orben
Your families are extremely proud of you. You can't imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money. Gary Bolding
The best advice I can give anybody about going out into the world is this: Don't do it. I have been out there. It is a mess. Russell Baker
The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness. Robert M. Hutchins
Graduation: a ritual event where they award you a diploma, in the hope that you have learned enough to be able to read it. unknown
Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated. Garry Trudeau
When they hand you your diploma, keep moving. Just in case they try to take it back. unknown
If you feel that you have both feet planted on level ground, then the university has failed you. Robert Goheen
There is a good reason they call these ceremonies 'commencement exercises'. Graduation is not the end; it's the beginning. Orrin Hatch
Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed. Erma Bombeck
At graduation you get to wear a cap and gown, but it's a good idea to also wear something underneath it. Greg Tamblyn
Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you. John Green
If at first you don't succeed, try to hide your astonishment. Harry Banks
Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someonelse's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that. Ellen DeGeneres
The tassel's worth the hassle! unknown
So long as your desire to explore is greater than your desire to not screw up, you're on the right track. Ed Helms
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go. Dr. Seuss
It doesn't matter that your dream came true if you spent your whole life sleeping. Jerry Zucker
If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. Frank A. Clark
Remember, when it comes to applying for jobs, books ARE judged by their cover! Patricia Akins
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito. Bette Reese
All that stands between the graduate and the top of the ladder is the ladder. unknown
Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
The man who graduates today and stops learning tomorrow is uneducated the day after. Newton D. Baker
The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen. Sarah Brown
You’re going to fall down, but the world doesn’t care how many times you fall down, as long as it’s one fewer than the number of times you get back up. Aaron Sorkin
Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction. Al Bernstein
Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught. Ambrose Bierce
Try putting your iPhones down every once in a while and look at people’s faces. People's faces will tell you amazing things. Amy Poehler
Don’t treat your heart like an action figure wrapped in plastic and never used. Amy Poehler
Patience! The windmill never strays in search of the wind. Andy J. Sklivis
I think sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at 4:00 in the afternoon, I'd be a college graduate today. George Foreman
The Lord gave us two ends: one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most. Ann Landers
Just remember, you can't climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other, and scarce in that. Benjamin Franklin
People will frighten you about a graduation….They use words you don’t hear often… ‘And we wish you Godspeed.’ It is a warning, Godspeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices. Bill Cosby
So, what’s it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don’t recommend it. Bill Watterson
Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional. Bob Bickford
You will never become a howling success by just howling. Bob Harrington
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different? C.S. Lewis
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. Dave Barry
The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate. Doug Larson
Of course there’s a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don’t take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates. Dr. A. Lawrence Lowell
Life has a very simple plot: first you’re here and then you’re not. Eric Idle
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. Erma Bombeck
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. Fred Allen
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States. George W. Bush
Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. Homer Simpson
It is indeed ironic that we spend our school days yearning to graduate and our remaining days waxing nostalgic about our school days. Isabel Waxman
I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which is that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love. Jim Carrey
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. So if there's any real advice I can give you it's this. College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. Jon Stewart
Life is my college. May I graduate well, and earn some honors! Louisa May Alcott
Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself. Mark A. Cooper
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. Milton Berle
I’m sick of following my dreams man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you. Muhammad Ali
Big pay and little responsibility are circumstances seldom found together. Napoleon Hill
Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would. Neil Gaiman
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught. Oscar Wilde
At commencement you wear your square-shaped mortarboards. My hope is that from time to time you will let your minds be bold, and wear sombreros. Paul Freund
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil. Paul Getty
Don't ever rob a bank. Enjoy life. Have fun. Choose to be happy now; don't wait until you're ‘successful', because honestly, I was a happy when we were unemployed and scrounging around for a buck. Peter Farrelly
When I was your age, we didn't have the Internet in our pants. We didn't even have the Internet not in our pants. That's how bad it was. Richard Costolo
The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth that which it prevents you from achieving. Russell Green
Fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class – Hope your surgery went well! Simone Elkeles
Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what’s going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along. Stephen Colbert
Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things. T.S. Eliot
The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. Tom Bodett
One thing about the school of experience is that it will repeat the lesson if you flunk the first time. unknown
The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary. Vidal Sassoon
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. W.C. Fields
Sixty years ago I knew everything; now I know nothing. Education is the progressive discovery of our own ignorance. Will Durant
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. Will Rogers
If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. William Lyon Phelps
Summing up, it is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock. Woody Allen