Funny Inspirational Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny inspirational quotes, funny inspirational sayings, and funny inspirational proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished – If you're alive it isn't. Richard Bach
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A.A. Milne
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Betty Reese
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. Reba McEntire
Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone. Gladys Berthe Stern
You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself. Ethel Barrymore
My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything – even if you have no clue what you're doing. Jessica Alba
A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. Charles Gordy
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schulz
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.  Anthony Burgess
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. Albert Einstein
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.  Benjamin Franklin
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. Thomas Eddison
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Dalai Lama
If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck. Elvis Presley
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain
When I hear someone sigh that life is hard, I am tempted to ask, ‘compared to what?' Sydney Harris
Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. Kyle Chandler
Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. Tom Lehrer
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.  Elbert Hubbard
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. Mark Twain
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.  W. H. Auden
Goal setting is similar to travelling from point A to point B within a city. If you clearly understand what the goal is, you will definitely reach the destination because you know its address. Thomas Abreu
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost
Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. Dwight Eisenhower
Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing. Alexander Woollcott
The reason so few people are successful is no one has yet found a way for someone to sit down and slide uphill. W. Clement Stone
I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened. Will Rogers
Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that. Ellen DeGeneres
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. Franklin P. Jones
We can see a thousand miracles around us every day. What is more supernatural than an egg yolk turning into a chicken? Rutherford Platt
The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs… one step at a time. Joe Girard
If at first you don't succeed, think how many people you've made happy. H. Duane Black
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.  Margaret Mead
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tosing in the lifeboats. Voltaire
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. Jack London
Live each day like it's your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night. Jason Love
Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Miles Kington
Dreams come true all the time, just not for the dreamers. Eoin Colfer
I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny –  Did you ever try buying them without money? Ogden Nash
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing – that's why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar
There are three sides to every story: yours, his and the truth. Madge Kennedy
Money won't make you happy ... but everybody wants to find out for themselves.  Zig Ziglar
There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through... There needs to be a monster truck option. Jeph Jacques
A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure. unknown
Just having knowledge is like having a bunch of things in the attic – sure you'll use it someday but in the meantime it just clogs up space! Dasrim Hasik
When you give food to the poor, they call you a saint. When you ask why the poor have no food, they call you a communist. Archbishop Helder Camara
The poor object to being governed badly, while the rich object to being governed at all. G. K. Chesterton
We have the best government that money can buy. Mark Twain
I know we're meant to be these hard-headed, money-obsessed professionals but we're still little boys at heart. Just ask our wives. Rob Lee
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. Charles Schulz
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Helen Rowland
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. Mark Twain
If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there. George Harrison
Live your own life, for you will die your own death. Latin Proverb
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. Oscar Wilde
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life. Terry Pratchett
The more I see, the less I know for sure. John Lennon
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. Tallulah Bankhead
Don't try to make life a mathematics problem with yourself in the center and everything coming out equal. When you're good, bad things can still happen. And if you're bad, you can still be lucky. Barbara Kingsolver
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. Erica Jong
Heap on more wood! - the wind is chill; / But let it whistle as it will, / We'll keep our Christmas merry still. Sir Walter Scott
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. Demetri Martin
Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new at all. Abraham Lincoln
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it. Andrew Jackson
If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine will run into the ditch before they reach you. Calvin Coolidge
Build your own dreams or someone else will hire you to build theirs. Dimz Media
Copy me and you're already 5 steps behind. Dimz Media
It's funny the way most people love the dead. You have to die before they think you are worth anything. Once you are dead, you are made for life. When I die, just keep on playing the records. Jimi Hendrix
I believe in standardizing automobiles. I do not believe in standardizing human beings. Albert Einstein
I want you to be concerned about your next-door neighbor. Do you know your next-door neighbor? Mother Teresa
I wasn't lucky - I deserved it. Margaret Thatcher
We should back the workers, not the shirkers. Margaret Thatcher
The mouth of a perfectly contented man is filled with beer. Ancient Egyptian maxim
If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. Brendan Behan
An Englishman thinks seated; a Frenchman, standing; an American, pacing; an Irishman, afterward. Austin O'Malley
When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships. Andy Warhol
Look poor, think rich. Andy Warhol
Life's too important to be taken seriously. Oscar Wilde
Humor is just another defense against the universe. Mel Brooks
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. Adlai E. Stevenson
I have been described as a lighthouse in the middle of a bog: brilliant but useless. Conor Cruise O'Brien
Laughter is the true brotherhood of man. At some time or another we've all done something that could be laughed at. Anyone who claims he hasn't is the most laughable of all. Gene Perret
He who is silent and bows his head dies every time he does so. He who speaks aloud and walks with his head held high dies only once. Giovanni Falcone
You know my feelings: Every day is a gift. It's just ... does it have to be a pair of socks? Anthony "Tony" Soprano Sr.
If you have a lot of what people want and can't get, then you can supply the demand and shovel in the dough. Charles "Lucky" Luciano

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