Funny Marriage Sayings and Quotes

Marriage takes lots of work, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find the humor in it. Like any relationship dynamic, marriage has its quirks. Get a good laugh with the collection of funny marriage quotes below.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. Richard Pryor
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. Will Ferrell
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit. Billy Connolly
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. Evelyn Hendrickson
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. Albert Einstein
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. Michel de Montaigne
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. Raymond Hull
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin
There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. Oscar Wilde
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. Helen Rowland
I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. Wendy Liebman
Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day. Mickey Rooney
Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. Jerry Seinfeld
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. Woody Allen
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. Winston Churchill
They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet. Mae West
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henry Youngman
Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join. Elbert Hubbard
The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage. Ratna Deep
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad. Helen Rowland
Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock! Zeenat Essa
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. G. K. Chesterton
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. Doug Larson
Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree. Rama Kochhar
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. Ogden Nash
Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories. John Wilmot
Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade. Carrie
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. Groucho Marx
Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates. Rory Elder
Marriage is getting to have a sleep over with your best friend, every single night of the week. Christie Cook
Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them. Ogden Nash
Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops. Riaz Nassurally
All my friends are getting married. I guess I'm just at that age where people give up. Amy Schumer
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! Prady
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. James Holt McGavran
My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn't have done better and I couldn't have done worse! Rhonda
Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one. Mae West
The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast. Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. Joey Adams
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot. Minnie Pearl
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. George Bernard Shaw
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henry Youngman
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx
They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake. Alexander Pope
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce
A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. Andre Maurois
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. Ann Bancroft
Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. Beverley Nichols
You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband! Bill Maher
An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband. Booth Tarkington
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. Catherine Zeta-Jones
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him. Cher
What’s the best way to have your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. Cindy Garner
Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own. Eddie Cantor
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck
Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there. George Burns
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. Helen Rowland
My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way. Henry Youngman
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. Henry Youngman
Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity. Honoré de Balzac
Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. Isadora Duncan
My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. Jack Benny
Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks? Janet Periat
So Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to outlive their partner – just so they can have the last word. Janet Periat
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. Jean Kerr
My marriage is a continuous process of getting used to things I hadn't expected. Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets. Joginder Singh
Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; Marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out. Joyce Brothers
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then. Katherine Hepburn
Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements. Kathy Mohnke
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. Lily Tomlin
When you have a baby, love is automatic, when you get married, love is earned. Marie Osmond
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. Marilyn Monroe
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Mignon McLaughlin
If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; If you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love. Miles Davis
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason. Molly McGee
Whatever you look like, marry a man your own age; As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. Prince Philip
When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. Richard Lewis
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner
If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother. Sam Levenson
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears. Sigmund Freud
A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt. Spanish Proverb
She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry. St Elmo's Fire
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. Stephen Leacock
A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. Tim Allen
A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. unknown
Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep. unknown
Don’t make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain’t. unknown
Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park. unknown
The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes. unknown
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. Winston Churchill
Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage. Zig Ziglar