Marriage takes lots of work, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find the humor in it. Like any relationship dynamic, marriage has its quirks. Get a good laugh with the collection of funny marriage quotes below.
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.Richard Pryor
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Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.Will Ferrell
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.Billy Connolly
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Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.Evelyn Hendrickson
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Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.Albert Einstein
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A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.Michel de Montaigne
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.Rodney Dangerfield
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All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.Raymond Hull
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Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.Benjamin Franklin
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There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.Oscar Wilde
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Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.Helen Rowland
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I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.Wendy Liebman
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Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.Mickey Rooney
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Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.Jerry Seinfeld
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.Socrates
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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.Woody Allen
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My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.Winston Churchill
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They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.Mae West
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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays.Henry Youngman
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Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.Elbert Hubbard
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The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.Ratna Deep
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When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.Helen Rowland
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Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!Zeenat Essa
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Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.G. K. Chesterton
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More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.Doug Larson
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Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.Rama Kochhar
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To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.Ogden Nash
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Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.John Wilmot
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Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.Carrie
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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.Groucho Marx
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Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.Rory Elder
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Marriage is getting to have a sleep over with your best friend, every single night of the week.Christie Cook
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Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.Ogden Nash
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Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops.Riaz Nassurally
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All my friends are getting married. I guess I'm just at that age where people give up.Amy Schumer
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!Prady
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.Rita Rudner
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There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.James Holt McGavran
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My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn't have done better and I couldn't have done worse!Rhonda
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Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.Mae West
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The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.Gabriel Garcia Marquez
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Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.Joey Adams
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Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.Minnie Pearl
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Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.Clint Eastwood
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In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.Rita Rudner
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Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.George Bernard Shaw
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.Henry Youngman
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Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?Groucho Marx
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They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.Alexander Pope
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Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.Ambrose Bierce
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A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.Andre Maurois
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The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.Ann Bancroft
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Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.Beverley Nichols
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You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!Bill Maher
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An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.Booth Tarkington
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For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.Catherine Zeta-Jones
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The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.Cher
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What’s the best way to have your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.Cindy Garner
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Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.Eddie Cantor
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.Erma Bombeck
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Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.George Burns
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.Groucho Marx
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In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.Helen Rowland
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My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.Henry Youngman
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.Henry Youngman
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Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.Honoré de Balzac
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Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.Isadora Duncan
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My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.Jack Benny
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Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?Janet Periat
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So Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to outlive their partner – just so they can have the last word.Janet Periat
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Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.Jean Kerr
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My marriage is a continuous process of getting used to things I hadn't expected. Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.Joginder Singh
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Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; Marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out.Joyce Brothers
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Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.Katherine Hepburn
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Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.Kathy Mohnke
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If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.Lily Tomlin
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When you have a baby, love is automatic, when you get married, love is earned.Marie Osmond
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Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.Marilyn Monroe
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A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.Mignon McLaughlin
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If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; If you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.Miles Davis
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When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.Molly McGee
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Whatever you look like, marry a man your own age; As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.Phyllis Diller
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When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.Prince Philip
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When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.Richard Lewis
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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.Rita Rudner
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If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.Sam Levenson
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If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.Sigmund Freud
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A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt.Spanish Proverb
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She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.St Elmo's Fire
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Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.Stephen Leacock
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A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.Tim Allen
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A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.unknown
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Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.unknown
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Don’t make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain’t.unknown
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Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.unknown
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The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.unknown
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My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.Winston Churchill
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Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.Zig Ziglar