Funny Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny quotes, funny sayings, and funny proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard
That is the best-to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny. Gloria Vanderbilt
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. Dennis Wholey
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done. Anonymous
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. Peter Ustinov
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. Sam Levenson
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite
Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves? Robin Williams
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Al McGuire
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. Will Rogers
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. Dr. Seuss
Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers
Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. Charles Kettering
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible. David Ogilvy
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres
As you get older three thing happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. Norman Wisdom
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight Phyllis Diller
Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Alan Dundles
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin
Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers
Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton
Puns are the highest form of literature. Alfred Hitchcock
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away. Paul Terry
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth. Anonymous
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Steven Wright