Funny Weight Loss Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny weight loss quotes, funny weight loss sayings, and funny weight loss proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. Anonymous
You know what the secret to weight loss is? Don't eat much. Simon Cowell
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. Mary Tyler Moore
Successful weight loss takes programming, not willpower. Phil Mcgraw
Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it I wash my mouth out with chocolate. Charles M. Schulz
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. Anonymous
Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. Dan Bennett
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you are off it. Jackie Gleason
At the end of every diet, the path curves back to the trough. Mason Cooley
Saying yes to the skinny jeans by saying no to the donuts. Betsy Canas Garmon
Here's the secret to weight loss: It's all about crowding out, not cutting out. Kathy Freston
When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad. Janette Barber
I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu. Jane Wagner
Drinking three glasses of water before every meal will help you lose weight, because you will burn a lot of calories running to the bathroom. Anonymous
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. Orson Welles
My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like, just don't swallow it. Harry Secombe
I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs, but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs. Caroline Rhea
A diet is a plan, generally hopeless, for reducing your weight, which tests your will power but does little for your waistline. Herbert B. Prochnow
The first thing you lose on a diet is brain mass. Margaret Cho
A diet is just code for a time when you eat food you dislike and still feel hungry. Anonymous
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books, how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook. Andy Rooney
If you believe that weight loss requires self-deprivation, I'm going to teach you otherwise. Robert Atkins
I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat. Jennifer Greene Duncan
I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets. Dolly Parton
The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage. Peggy Ryan
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. Mae West
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back. Franklin Jones
No one wakes up in the morning and says, I want to gain 150 pounds and I will start right now! Tricia Cunningham
Weight loss is not the key to your dreams. The truth is there is no lock and the door is flimsy. Golda Poretsky
It would be far easier to lose weight permanently if replacement parts weren't so handy in the refrigerator. Hugh Allen
Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge. Don Kardong
To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing. Mark Twain
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. Robert Hutchins
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone
I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts. Robin McCauley Lynch
A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch. Hermione Gingold
Thou shouldst eat to live, not live to eat. Cicero
It's called diet, because all the other 4-letter words were taken. Anonymous
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. Irv Kupcinet
A balanced diet is having a cupcake in each hand. Anonymous
I'm on that new diet where you eat everything and pray for a miracle. Anonymous
When we lose twenty pounds. We may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. Woody Allen
I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short. Shelley Winters
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days. Totie Fields
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart. Erma Bombeck
The heart, like the stomach, wants a varied diet. Gustave Flaubert
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. Mae West
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard. Spike Milligan
We ought to have a diet salad dressing called '500 Islands.' George Carlin
From the day on which she weighs 140, the chief excitement of a woman's life consists in spotting people who are fatter than she is. Helen Rowland
I wonder if there is woman in the world strong-minded enough to shed ten pounds or twenty,— And say, there now, that's plenty. Ogden Nash
Eat a third, drink a third, and leave empty in your stomach the remaining third. If anger overtakes you there will be room for the expansion of your stomach, and you will not suffer from apoplexy. Gittin
She's got this real funny idea about a diet; you don't get fat if no one sees you eating. Gloria Naylor
I think thou art in the habit of eating a great deal, and that thy power of restraining appetite is more slender than a hair, whilst an appetite such as thou nourishest would rupture a chain and a day may come it will tear thee up. Sheikh Sa'Di
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already! Tommy Cooper
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. James Beard
In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet. Winston Churchill
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. George Bernard Shaw
I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to. Linda Evangelista
I lost so much weight, people kept looking at my ankles. Why not? That's where my pants were. Robert Orben
I just went on a great diet. There are only three things you can't put in your mouth— a knife, a fork, and a spoon! Robert Orben
My wife has come up with a very simple device to make me lose weight. It's called a food bill. Robert Orben
Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someone's ear off. Oh dear, that's a lot of calories. Meg Jokes
Image the weight you are losing if going to the person you hate. English Lion
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. Jim Davis
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow ye diet. Lewis C. Henry
We can all put weight on or lose weight. Keith Emerson
Your bank account. Good food choices are good investments. Bethenny Frankel
Don't dig your grave with your knife and fork. English Proverb
Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live. Jim Rohn
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain
The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook. Julia Child
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. Bob Hope
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Barbara Johnson
Eat as much as you like just don't swallow it. Steve Burns