Hilarious Sayings and Quotes

We all need a bit of laughter and levity in our lives. If you’re in need of some giggles, you’ve come to the right place. Below we’ve compiled a collection of the most hilarious quotes to tickle your funny bone.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Steven Wright
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. Richard Jeni
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Fred Allen
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. Bob Monkhouse
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. Will Ferrell
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. Dave Barry
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. Dennis Miller
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. Fred Allen
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.  Frank Sinatra
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen
Where there's a will, there's a relative. Ricky Gervais
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try. Homer Simpson
Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. Ralph Bus
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Steve Martin
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. Will Rogers
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Stanley Randall
My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers. Sarah Silverman
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. Helen Rowland
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Henny Youngman
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. Oscar Wilde
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. Mark Twain
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Milton Berle
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty. Chris Rock
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? Jay Leno
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford
A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion. George Carlin
I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. Demitri Martin
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. Robert Bloch
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Jack Handey
USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. Dave Letterman
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. Douglas Adams
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. unknown
When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them. Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town. Jimmy Kimmel
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Robert Bloch
You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours. Yogi Berra
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. Bob Thaves
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there. Yogi Berra
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity. Voltaire
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. Will Rogers
Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Ann Brashares
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. Marlene Dietrich
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. Timothy Leary
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. Natalie Wood
A man never knows how to say goodbye. A woman never knows when to say it. Helen Rowland
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. Gilbert K. Chesterton
The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit. Dwight Morrow
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. Evan Esar
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. Bob Hope
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld
Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone. Daphne du Maurier
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand. Benny Hill
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Norm Crosby
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research. Wilson Mizner
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery. Joan Rivers
A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. Joey Lauren Adams
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. Benjamin Franklin