We all need a bit of laughter and levity in our lives. If you’re in need of some giggles, you’ve come to the right place. Below we’ve compiled a collection of the most hilarious quotes to tickle your funny bone.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Steven Wright
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.Erma Bombeck
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Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.Richard Jeni
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.Fred Allen
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An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.Agatha Christie
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.Jackie Mason
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.Bob Monkhouse
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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.Will Ferrell
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.Socrates
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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.Dave Barry
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.Groucho Marx
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.Dennis Miller
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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.Fred Allen
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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra
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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.Woody Allen
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Where there's a will, there's a relative.Ricky Gervais
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Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try.Homer Simpson
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Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.Ralph Bus
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First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.Steve Martin
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Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.Will Rogers
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The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.Stanley Randall
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My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.Sarah Silverman
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.Rodney Dangerfield
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Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.Helen Rowland
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henny Youngman
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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?Robin Williams
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.Demetri Martin
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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.Oscar Wilde
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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.Steve Martin
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.Lana Turner
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Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.Mark Twain
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.Henny Youngman
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.Milton Berle
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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.Jim Carrey
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If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.Chris Rock
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Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?Jay Leno
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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.Winston S. Churchill
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A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.Oliver Herford
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A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion.George Carlin
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I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.Demitri Martin
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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.Robert Bloch
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.Jack Handey
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USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.Dave Letterman
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I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.Douglas Adams
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Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.unknown
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When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them.Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
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I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.Rita Rudner
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I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.Rita Rudner
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How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.Jimmy Kimmel
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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.Robert Bloch
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You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.Yogi Berra
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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.Oscar Wilde
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Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.Albert Einstein
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Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.Bob Thaves
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You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.Yogi Berra
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The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.Voltaire
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There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.Will Rogers
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Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.Ann Brashares
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Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.Marlene Dietrich
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Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.Timothy Leary
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.Natalie Wood
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A man never knows how to say goodbye. A woman never knows when to say it.Helen Rowland
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The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.Gilbert K. Chesterton
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The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.Dwight Morrow
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The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.Evan Esar
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A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.Bob Hope
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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?Jerry Seinfeld
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Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.Daphne du Maurier
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Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.Benny Hill
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When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.Norm Crosby
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If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.Wilson Mizner
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.Joan Rivers
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A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.Joey Lauren Adams
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Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.Benjamin Franklin