Humorous SayingAuthor
Man has his will but woman has her way. – Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
Man’s work is from sun to sun, woman’s work is never done. – H. Blaney Giese
Many complain of their memory, few of their judgment. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Many foxes grow grey but few grow good. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Mary’s mouth cost her nothing for she never opens it but at others’ expense. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Men are from earth, women are from earth, deal with it. – unknown
Middle age is when the broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist change places. – unknown
Mistakes will happen; others will be blamed. – Paul Perves (on corporate life)
Most people aim at nothing in life and hit it with amazing accuracy. – unknown
My idea of housework is to sweep a room with a glance. – unknown
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me but I think she enjoyed it. – Mark Twain (1835-1910)
My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he
was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies
could be cured and he didn’t have to worry about a Will. He said, “Will?
What Will? I’m making a list of the people I want to bite!” – [email protected]
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. – Erma Bombeck
Nepotism works, get on the right side of it. – Dan Keeton
Never criticize a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes. That way when you do criticize him, you are a mile ahead and you have his shoes. – unknown (thanks to S. Johns)
Never praise your cider or your horse. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It only frustrates you and really annoys the pig. – Dale Cade
No good deed goes unpunished. – Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)
No husband has ever been shot doing the dishes. – unknown
Now I have a sheep and a cow, everybody bids me good-morrow. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; men love in haste but hate in leisure. – Lord Byron (1788-1824)
One good husband is worth two good wives for the scarcer things are, the more they’re valued. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. – A.A. Milne (1882-?)
Only in America, if you fail as a person, you can always write a book. – Ferg Stevens
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. – unknown
Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular
>Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the
>congregation fell asleep.
>After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very
>sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from
>his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said,
>”Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.”
>To which the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one!”

Out of all the things I’ve lost in life, I think I miss my mind the most. – unknown
Patience is never more important than when you are on the verge of losing it. – unknown
Patrick went to the doctor and received terrible news. “You’re going to die within 24 hours” said the doc. Patrick went home to Bridget, his wife and told her the terrible news and then asked if they could make mad, passionate love all that night to which Bridget replied, “That’s all right for you Patrick but I’ve got to get up and go to work in the morning!” – unknown
People ask you for criticism but they only want praise. – Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)
“Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese” – G. K. Chesterton (1874 – 1936) courtesy of Wolf Tooth
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? – Ernest Hemingway on William Faulkner, a gentle needle
Public money is like holy water; people help themselves. – Italian (on good and evil)
Quitting smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times. – Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Received as an email..”Today is International Very Good Looking Damn Smart People Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it over fifty thousand times and my inbox is jammed full.” – unknown, thanks to Jack Shea at [email protected]
Remorse the fatal egg by pleasure laid. – William Cowper (1731-1800)
Sacred cows make great hamburgers. – Michael Thompson
She was often wrong but never in doubt. – unknown
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. – unknown
Speak not of my debts unless you mean to pay them. – English Proverb
Speak the truth but leave immediately after. – Slovenian Proverb
Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret. – Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887)
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t even fallen asleep yet. – unknown
Suppers have killed more than doctors have ever cured. – Spanish (on food and hunger)
Tact is the act of making a point without making an enemy. – Clarence Darrow
Take your wife to Sears and she will shop for a day; take her to Walmart and she will shop for a lifetime. – Ferg Stevens
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it. – Moses Hadad, a gentle needle
The best thing about telling the truth don’t have to remember what you said! – unknown, courtesy of Georgie Bee
The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I’ll walk carefully, – Russian Proverb
The difference between the Pope and your boss…. The Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring. – unknown, courtesy of Jack Shea
The difficult is done at once, the impossible takes a little longer. – Anthony Trollope (1815-1882)
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – unknown
The golden age never was the present age. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
The good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill wife. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. – Helen Hayes
The money is always greener in the other fellow’s wallet. – Bill ?
The older I get, the righter my parents were. – Jeanne Warner
The other line always moves faster until you get in it. – unknown
The poor have little – beggars none; the rich too much – enough, not one! – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
The problem is never how to get new, innovative thoughts into your mind but how to get the old ones out. – Dee Hock
The sheik’s miracles are those of his own telling. – Turkish (on words and deeds)
The tongue offends and the ears get the cuffing. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
The trouble with being in a rat race is that even when you win you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin
There are more old drunkards than old doctors. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it. – Mark Twain
There can’t be another crisis this week, my schedule is completely full. – unknown
There is nothing more stupid as an educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in. – Will Rogers (1879-1935)
There is no waste of time like making explanations. – Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure. – Jack E. Leonard, a gentle needle
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. – Thomas Brackett Reed, a gentle needle
They never taste who always drink, they always talk who never think. – Matthew Prior (1664-1721)
They who drink beer, think beer. – Washington Irving (1783-1859)
Things come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle. – Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Three may keep a secret if two are dead. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Time is fun when you are having flies. – Kermit the Frog
‘Tis against some men’s principle to pay interest and seems against others’ interest to pay principal. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – unknown
Trust in Allah but tie your camel. – Old Muslim Proverb
Twice cut off and still too short. – on carpentry (thanks to Claus Plock)
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little scared.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A Circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year!” –
We developed language because of our deep need to complain. – Lily Tomlin
What the mulla says, you must do; what he does, you must not do.- Kashmiri (on hypocrisy)
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult. – Charlotte Whitton
What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef and Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. – J. Shea
When a pessimist has nothing to worry about, he worries about why he has nothing to worry about. – unknown
When man and woman die, as poets sung, his heart’s the last part moves, her last, the tongue. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
When mother ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. – unknown
When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. – Mark Twain (1835-1910)
When we think we lead, we are most led. – Henry James Byron (1834-1884)
When you get at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. – Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882-1945)
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long
have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered
“Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OH, courtesy of Jack Shea
Who was the one who put the needle in the haystack anyway? – Lester Goslar
With the mouth, one can ford the wildest river. – Ethiopian (on words and deeds)
You are what you eat. Don’t be a vegetable. – unknown
You can bear your own faults and why not a fault in your wife ? – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
You tell them, Stevie! – Barbra Lang Walker (Said when someone was too vocal in a family.)
You’ve got the brain of a four year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. – Groucho Marx, a gentle needle
Young men think old men are fools but old men know young men are fools. – George Chapman (c1559-1634)