It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who genuinely have a medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. Dave Barry

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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. Dave Barry

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You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!' Dave Barry

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Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Dave Barry

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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. Dave Barry

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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. Dave Barry

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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Dave Barry

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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. Dave Barry

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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. Dave Barry

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Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. Dave Barry

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Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. Dave Barry

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Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter. Dave Barry

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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. Dave Barry

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You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. Dave Barry

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To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. Dave Barry

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. Dave Barry

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Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. Dave Barry

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Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. Dave Barry

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Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. Dave Barry

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Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt. Dave Barry

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My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. Dave Barry

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Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Dave Barry

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You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. Dave Barry

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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. Dave Barry

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There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. Dave Barry

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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. Dave Barry

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It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. Dave Barry

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The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. Dave Barry

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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Dave Barry

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For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. Dave Barry

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