Jerry Seinfeld Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old Jerry Seinfeld quotes, Jerry Seinfeld sayings, and Jerry Seinfeld proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is there aren't many job interviews where you'll wind up naked. Jerry Seinfeld
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. Jerry Seinfeld
There's no easy way to break off any relationship. It's like the mozzarella cheese on a good slice of pizza. No matter how far you pull the slice away from your mouth it just gets thinner and longer but never snaps. Jerry Seinfeld
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. Jerry Seinfeld
The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Jerry Seinfeld
A two-year-old is like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld
Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. Jerry Seinfeld
Dogs are smarter than lots of people. They wag their tails instead of their tongue. Jerry Seinfeld