Joan Rivers Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old Joan Rivers quotes, Joan Rivers sayings, and Joan Rivers proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. Joan Rivers
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Joan Rivers
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks. Joan Rivers
Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty. Joan Rivers
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it. Joan Rivers
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers
In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none. Joan Rivers
One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she's mean. Joan Rivers
Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough. Joan Rivers
Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them. Joan Rivers
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train. Joan Rivers
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to tupperware. Joan Rivers
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. Joan Rivers
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers
When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it. Joan Rivers
keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target. Joan Rivers
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. Joan Rivers
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery. Joan Rivers
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'. Joan Rivers
The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality. Joan Rivers
Never buy a fur from a vegetarian. Joan Rivers
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off. Joan Rivers
We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak. Joan Rivers
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery. Joan Rivers