Humorous SayingAuthor
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. – unknown
A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.” – courtesy of Jack Shea, [email protected]
A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it’s not worth it. – J. Nowell
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. – unknown
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – unknown
A closed mouth gathers no feet. – Sam Horn
A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. – John Florio (1553-1625)
A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing. – unknown
A flatterer never seems absurd: the flatter’d always takes his word. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
A friend in need is a pest. – Arthur Daley in the popular 1980’s British sitcom, “Minder” – thanks to Rob
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. – unknown
A man must serve his time in every trade except censure-critics are ready made. – Lord Byron (1788-1824)
A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. – Rhonda Hansome
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. – Mark Twain
A teacher’s job is to take a room full of live wires and make sure they are well grounded. – unknown (submitted by [email protected])
A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB, was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The middle-aged lady upon whom
he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, “I’m
sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No doctor, but the song you
were whistling was “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.” – unknown, courtesy of Jack Shea
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. – unknown
All the world is mad save for me and thee, and sometimes I wonder about thee. – Old Quaker saying – special thanks to the reader who replied to our query.
All would live long but none would be old. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away. – Cassandra Chatfield
An old woman in a nursing home lifted her dress and shouted “supersex, supersex!” every time she came upon an old gentleman. Finally she did this again in front of an old man who hesitated and said finally, “I’ll have soup.” – unknown
Anyone who doesn’t think there are two sides to an argument is probably in one. – unknown
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away and barefoot. – unknown
Being young is a fault that diminishes daily. – Swedish (on youth and age)
Blessed is he that can laugh at himself, he will never cease to be amused. – unknown
Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be dissapointed. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. – Ogden Nash (1902- )
Cheer up! Remember the less you have, the more there is to get. – unknown
Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it. – Rene Decartes (1596-1650)
Credit cards are like mosquitoes. You can keep them away for a while, but sooner or later they will be back to suck your blood. – Ted Steckley (1949-)
Creditors have better memories than debtors. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Dear God, I have a problem; it’s me. – unknown
Defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies. – Canning
Do what you think is right in your heart. You’ll be criticized anyway. – Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)
Dying while young is a boon in old age. – Yiddish (on death and dying)
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day. – unknown
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. – unknown
Epitaph on a scolding wife by her husband: Here my poor Bridget’s corpse doth lie, she is at rest — and so am I! – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the priviledge. – Shiv Daddar
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else. – Will Rogers (1879-1935)
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. – unknown
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. – Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Fish and visitors stink after three days. – – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Fond pride of dress is sure an empty curse; ere fancy you consult, consult your purse. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
From reader, Ferg Stevens of Indiana, our thanks for this story. It seems that Ferg’s dad, a Kentuckian by birth never got beyond fourth grade. One day reaching for his tube of hemmorhoid cream, he accidently picked up his wife’s tube of Ben Gay and applied it to his anus. Well they say, white men can’t jump, but you never would’ve guessd that if you saw the spry Kentuckian react!
Gingerbread man is a perfect man, he’s cute, he’s sweet and if he gives you any heck, you can bite his head off. – kd with thanks to K. Walker
God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. – Jewish Proverb
God works wonders now and then; behold! a lawyer, an honest man. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Golf: A good walk ruined. – Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Great talkers should be cropped for they have no need of ears. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Happiness is merely the remission of pain. – unknown
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. – Abraham Lincoln, a gentle needle
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. – Winston Churchill, a gentle needle
He has delusions of adequacy. – Walter Kerr, a gentle needle
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. – William Faulkner about Earnest Hemingway. (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.)
He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. – Oscar Wilde, a gentle needle
He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. – Billy Wilder, a gentle needle
He is a self-made man and worships his creator. – John Bright, a gentle needle (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.)
He is not only dull himself, but he is the cause of dullness in others. – Samuel Johnson, a gentle needle
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. – Paul Keating, a gentle needle
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. – Forrest Tucker, a gentle needle
He that drinks beer, thinks beer. – Washington Irving (1783-1859)
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
He that would have a short Lent, let him borrow money to be repaid at Easter. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts, for support rather than illumination. – Andrew Lang, a gentle needle
He who dies with the most toys is still dead. – unknown
He’s gone, and forgot nothing but to say farewell to his creditors. – Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. – Mae West, a gentle needle
Housework done properly can kill you. – unknown
How many observe Christ’s birthday, how few his precepts. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom. – unknown
I can’t be out of money, I still have checks left. – unknown
I did not fall off the turnip truck just yesterday. – Terry Davis
I didn’t attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. – Mark Twain, a gentle needle
I feel so miserable without you, its almost like having you here. – Stephan Bishop, a gentle needle
I have a new philosophy, I’m only going to dread one day at a time. – Charles Shulz (“Peanuts”)
I have never killed a man but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. – Clarence Darrow, a gentle needle/i>
I never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain (1835-1910)
I refuse to enter a battle of wits with an unarmed man. – unknown
I saw few die of hunger; of eating — 100,000. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So, how’s your
breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked
to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI, courtesy of Jack Shea
If a frog didn’t hop, he wouldn’t bump his butt. – Sarah Isabelle Wendt
If a patient dies, the doctor killed him, but if he gets well, the saints have saved him. – Italian Proverb
If at first you don’t succeed, skydivings not for you. – S. Johns
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re about average. – unknown
If “ifs” and “ands” were pots and pans, there’d be no work for tinkers’ hands. – Charles Kingsley (1819-1875)
If something can go wrong, it will. – unknown but often attributed to Murphy as in Murphy’s Law.
“For Businesspersons:”
If the manure gets steeper…but the flies are buying…. – John Gimbel
If the baby is happy, don’t try to make it happier. – Dan Keeton
If you aren’t careful, your kids will suck the marrow right out of your bones. – Anonymous
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. – unknown
If you want to be criticized, marry. – Irish Proverb
If you wish to die young, make your physician your heir. – Romanian Proverb
If you’ld lose a troublesome visitor, lend him money. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
If you’re going to be dumb, you’ve got to be tough. – William Dempsey Wendt
In God we trust; all others pay cash.- American (on money)
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. – Louis Grizzard
It is better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. – Mark Twain (Thanks to Michael Beard)
It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later. – Franklin Roosevelt (1882-1945)
It is easier to get forgiveness than to get permission. – unknown
It takes less time to do something right than to explain why it was done wrong. – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)
It’s not easy being green. – Kermit the Frog
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut
a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for
almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto
the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped
his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man
couldn’t take it any longer.
“Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been
here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do

The boy responded,
“Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded,
“Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

“Look,” said the old man,
“I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

The boy spit the bait into his hand and said,
“You have to keep the worms warm!” – unknown, courtesy of Jack Shea
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx, a gentle needle
I’ve just learned of his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial. – Irvin S. Cobb, a gentle needle
I’ve suffered a great many catastrophies in my life. Most of them never happened. – Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Lazy people work harder. – unknown (thanks to Jeff Hatch)
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself. – Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)
Life is a big headache on a noisy street. – Yiddish Proverb
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates…it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. – unknown
Life’s too short for chess. – Henry James Byron (1834-1884)
Life’s hard; get a helmet. – kd with thanks to K.Walker
Long tongue, short hands. – Czech (on words and deeds)
Love is blind but not the neighbors.- Mexican (on life and living)
Love your neighbor; yet don’t pull down your hedge. – Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
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