Ambrose Bierce Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old Ambrose Bierce quotes, Ambrose Bierce sayings, and Ambrose Bierce proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.'

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. Ambrose Bierce
BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. Ambrose Bierce
Alligator: The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Ambrose Bierce
Erudition - dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. Ambrose Bierce
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. Ambrose Bierce
The best kind of onion soup is the simplest kind. Ambrose Bierce
There would be far fewer accidents if we could only teach telephone poles to be more careful. Ambrose Bierce
San Francisco is the place where most people were last seen. Ambrose Bierce
A bride is a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Ambrose Bierce
ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection. Ambrose Bierce
ZEUS /n./ The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Ambrose Bierce
A penny saved is a penny to squander. Ambrose Bierce
MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. Ambrose Bierce
ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's whole life long.  Ambrose Bierce
NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization. Ambrose Bierce
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Ambrose Bierce
Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Ambrose Bierce
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. Ambrose Bierce
Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel. Ambrose Bierce
Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead. Ambrose Bierce
To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand. Ambrose Bierce
Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies an assumption of superior wisdom. Ambrose Bierce
Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. Ambrose Bierce
FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors. Ambrose Bierce
The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect. Ambrose Bierce
Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. Ambrose Bierce
SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus. Ambrose Bierce
Epitaph, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Ambrose Bierce
Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce
The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations. Ambrose Bierce