Groucho Marx Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old Groucho Marx quotes, Groucho Marx sayings, and Groucho Marx proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.'

He goes around with a mustache. I go around with a mustache; Don't you think a mustache can get lonely? Groucho Marx
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. Groucho Marx
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. Groucho Marx
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.' Groucho Marx
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up. Groucho Marx
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx
[He] may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you: He really is an idiot. Groucho Marx
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. Groucho Marx
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. Groucho Marx
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Groucho Marx
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. Groucho Marx
I find television to be very educating. Everytime somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. Groucho Marx
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx
Last night I had a typical cholesterol-free dinner: baked squash, skimmed milk and gelatin. I'm sure this will not make me live any longer, but I know it's going to seem longer. Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. Groucho Marx
You're only as young as the woman you feel. Groucho Marx
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'. Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. Groucho Marx
I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx
If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves but you are just a dirty liar. Groucho Marx
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book and does. Groucho Marx