It isn't easy being an automobile mechanic. Let's face, it how would you like to stand in the middle of a garage knowing that every car that comes through that door is defective? Robert Orben

• 1
• Copy

Let's face it, to you it may be your motor that's knocking. To a mechanic, it's opportunity. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

Actually, they don't call them mechanics anymore. Automotive Diagnosticians! They've got the white gown; the three buttons on the shoulder; 'Don't touch me— I'm sterile!' Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

These fellas have so much authority; so much poise; so much dignity— it makes you almost proud to have their fingerprints on your seat covers! Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled "Louder!" during the silent meditation. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

The flu season is when you start off in the morning with a light heart and end up in the evening with a heavy nose. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

In our house the only thing that gets recycled is the flu. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

You know what really shakes you up during the flu season? When you tell the doctor your symptoms and he starts backing away. Robert Orben

• 2
• Copy

This is the season when you're faced with the problem: What do you say to the person who has everything— and he's breathing on you? Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

Older people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

I happen to know that Florida is now working on something that could revolutionize its real estate market. It's an alligator that eats crabgrass. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

There is only one problem in taking a winter vacation in Florida. You spend two weeks getting a deep, rich, golden tan— then they hand you the bill and you're pale again. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

In all fairness, he did warn me. I asked him if you could get along in Florida on sixty-five dollars a day. He said, 'If you're an alligator, yes. If you're a tourist, no.' Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

I won't comment on the weather we had. Did you know they named a wine after the first bird who ever flew down to Florida for the winter? Cold duck. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

Thomas Edison said that genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. I dunno. I hate to think of anyone that sweaty handling electricity. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

I lost so much weight, people kept looking at my ankles. Why not? That's where my pants were. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

I just went on a great diet. There are only three things you can't put in your mouth— a knife, a fork, and a spoon! Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

My wife has come up with a very simple device to make me lose weight. It's called a food bill. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

The way people pamper their pets is ridiculous. Have you heard the latest? Elevator paws for dachshunds. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

I've never had any luck with pets. I once had a turtle I had to send to obedience school. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

We have all kinds of pets. We have birds who specialize in singing; we have dogs who specialize in barking; we have cats who specialize in meowing, and we have turtles who specialize in dying. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

Never raise your hand to your child; it leaves your midsection unprotected. Robert Orben

• 1
• Copy

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

If I were an astronaut, I'd be one of the backup pilots. The minute they tried to put me in a spaceship, would I back up! Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

Isn't it amazing? We go all the way to the moon to pick up rocks—and here on Earth, we don't even pick up beer bottles! Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

I'm so chicken, you ain't gonna see me on the moon until I can get there in something civilized— like an elevator! Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Robert Orben

• 0
• Copy