Steven Wright Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old steven wright quotes, steven wright sayings, and steven wright proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.     

Steven Wright

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?     

Steven Wright

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.     

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.      

Steven Wright

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?     

Steven Wright

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.     

Steven Wright

You can't have everything... where would you put it?     

Steven Wright

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.     

Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.     

Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale. How much for the garage? It's not for sale.     

Steven Wright

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?     

Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.      

Steven Wright

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.     

Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.     

Steven Wright

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him     

Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.     

Steven Wright

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?     

Steven Wright

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.     

Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.     

Steven Wright

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.     

Steven Wright

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?     

Steven Wright

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.     

Steven Wright

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?     

Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'     

Steven Wright

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.     

Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.     

Steven Wright

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you’ve never worked a day in your life!’     

Steven Wright

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.     

Steven Wright

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?     

Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.      

Steven Wright