Steven Wright Quotes and Sayings

Steven Wright Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old Steven Wright quotes, Steven Wright sayings, and Steven Wright proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.'

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Steven Wright

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Steven Wright

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people? Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child eventually. Steven Wright

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass for Christmas. He gave my brother a box of Bandaids and said, 'You two share.' Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people? Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus has gone missing. Steven Wright

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths. Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. Steven Wright

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. Steven Wright

I was at this restaurant. The sign said 'Breakfast Anytime. So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. Steven Wright

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. Steven Wright

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Steven Wright

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas? Steven Wright

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. Steven Wright

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? Steven Wright

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Steven Wright

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Steven Wright