Erma Bombeck Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old Erma Bombeck quotes, Erma Bombeck sayings, and Erma Bombeck proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it. Erma Bombeck
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. Erma Bombeck
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. Erma Bombeck
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, I used everything you gave me. Erma Bombeck
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. Erma Bombeck
Every puppy should have a boy. Erma Bombeck
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. Erma Bombeck
Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase. Erma Bombeck
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the "Titanic" who waved off the dessert cart. Erma Bombeck
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. Erma Bombeck
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Erma Bombeck
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. Erma Bombeck
I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill. Erma Bombeck
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. Erma Bombeck
Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. Erma Bombeck
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television. Erma Bombeck
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. Erma Bombeck
Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me. Erma Bombeck
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart. Erma Bombeck
Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. Erma Bombeck
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. Erma Bombeck
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Erma Bombeck
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. Erma Bombeck