George Carlin Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old George Carlin quotes, George Carlin sayings, and George Carlin proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that. George Carlin
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. George Carlin
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. George Carlin
Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music. George Carlin
A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt. George Carlin
Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large. George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. George Carlin
It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it. George Carlin
I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. George Carlin
Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach then to question everything. George Carlin
The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity George Carlin
A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion. George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin
Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors. George Carlin
What does a dog do on his day off? He can't lie around – that's his job George Carlin
We're having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body. George Carlin
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. George Carlin
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. George Carlin
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. George Carlin
I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it. George Carlin
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin
Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine. George Carlin