George Carlin Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old George Carlin quotes, George Carlin sayings, and George Carlin proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious. George Carlin
Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter. George Carlin
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? George Carlin
I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. George Carlin
And he won't be allowed to play dodgeball because it's exclusionary, and it promotes aggression. Standing around is still okay. George Carlin
It's the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving a problem; it's called declaring a war. We got a war on poverty, the war on crime, war on litter, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. George Carlin
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance. George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor. George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin
Even volleyball is racquet-less team ping pong played with an inflated ball and a raised net while standing on the table. George Carlin
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin
We ought to have a diet salad dressing called '500 Islands.' George Carlin
An Ideal Husband Life is a near-death experience. George Carlin
Men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. George Carlin
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. George Carlin
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. George Carlin
A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion. George Carlin
As soon as they close the door to the aircraft, that's when they begin the safety lecture. I love the safety lecture! This is my favorite part of the airplane ride! I listen very carefully to the safety lecture, especially that part where they teach us how to use the seat belts! Imagine this: here we are, a plane full of grown human beings... many of us partially educated, and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle! George Carlin
Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything. George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin