Woody Allen Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old woody allen quotes, woody allen sayings, and woody allen proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.     

Woody Allen

I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.     

Woody Allen

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.     

Woody Allen

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.     

Woody Allen

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.     

Woody Allen

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.     

Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.     

Woody Allen

When we lose twenty pounds. We may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.     

Woody Allen

If you aren't failing, you aren't trying.     

Woody Allen

If you are not failing now and again, its a sign you are not doing anything very innovative.     

Woody Allen

My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.     

Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.     

Woody Allen

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.     

Woody Allen

We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let's hope we make the right choice.     

Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.     

Woody Allen

You can't ride two horses with one behind.     

Woody Allen

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.     

Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.     

Woody Allen

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.     

Woody Allen

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.     

Woody Allen

People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you're so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you.     

Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.     

Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.     

Woody Allen

He never made the ten-most-wanted list. It's very unfair voting. It's who you know.     

Woody Allen

The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that.     

Woody Allen

The chief problem about death ... is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought.     

Woody Allen

Morale still seems reasonably high and, while the desertion rate has risen, it is still limited to those who can walk.     

Woody Allen

Cynicism is reality with an alternate spelling.     

Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.     

Woody Allen

You mellow too much you ripen and rot.     

Woody Allen