Woody Allen Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old woody allen quotes, woody allen sayings, and woody allen proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.     

Woody Allen

Cynicism is reality with an alternate spelling.     

Woody Allen

Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.     

Woody Allen

I appreciate the chance to visit my mom on Mother's Day -- it's like taking a refresher course in guilt.     

Woody Allen

You look up after many years and you find that a film has become a classic because it's meaningful to people and alive, decade after decade.     

Woody Allen

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion.... but it won't get much sleep.     

Woody Allen

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.     

Woody Allen

Humorists always sit at the children's table.     

Woody Allen

Comedians have a tendency to have a limited range, they tend to do one thing and do it very well, but it's limited.     

Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.     

Woody Allen

I never met such a pretty girl, and I guess I’m just sensitive because real—real beauty makes me want to gag.     

Woody Allen

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.     

Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.     

Woody Allen

Life is hard for insects. And don’t think mice are having any fun either.     

Woody Allen

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.     

Woody Allen

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.      

Woody Allen

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.     

Woody Allen

I don't own a computer. I've never seen anything online at all - nothing. I don't own a word processor. I have none of that stuff. It's not an act of rebellion. I'm just not a gadget person.     

Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.     

Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.     

Woody Allen

I am an only child. I have one sister.     

Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.     

Woody Allen

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.     

Woody Allen

Summing up, it is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.     

Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.     

Woody Allen

I am very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.     

Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.     

Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.     

Woody Allen

There's no substitute for a great love who says, 'No matter what's wrong with you, you're welcome at this table.'     

Woody Allen

You know, I don't think I could take a mellow evening because I - I don't respond well to mellow. You know what I mean? I have a tendency to - if I get too mellow, I - I ripen and then rot, you know.     

Woody Allen